This One Goes to Eleven’s 2019 Metal Dundies

MetalDundies2019Another year in metal has come and gone, and as Krampus clunks from rooftop to rooftop, it’s time once more to look back on the good, bad, and truly, utterly ridiculous from music’s most truly, utterly ridiculous sub-culture. So saddle up and join us for This One Goes to Eleven’s second-annual metal Dundies, a network sitcom-inspired take on yearbook superlatives applied to a bunch of albums about copulating with Satan’s prodigious member. Almost every album featured below is one I endorse based on musical content and/or relevancy, so kick back, relax, and, please, for the love of everything unholy, try not to get your feelings hurt.


Tales From the Crypt – Ossuarium – Living Tomb

In Space No One Can Hear You Scream Award For Excellence in Cosmic Death Metal – Blood Incantation – Hidden History of the Human Race

Best Cosmic Death Metal in a Supporting Role – Tomb Mold – Planetary Clairvoyance

Best Non-Tolkien Tolkien Metal – Falls of Rauros – Patterns in Mythology

Best Non-Tolkien Tolkien Metal in a Supporting Role – Obsequiae, The Palms of Sorrowed Kings

Surfin’ With the Devil – Devil Master, Satan Spits on Children of Light

Running Out of Colors – Baroness – Gold & Grey

Best Use of a Boss HM-2 – Creeping Death – Wretched Illusions

New Dogs, Old Tricks – Magic Circle, Departed Souls

Roberta’s Pizza Thrash – King Gizzard & The Lizard Wizard – Infest the Rats’ Nest

Sludge Me Tender, Sludge Me Sweet – Lord Mantis – Universal Death Church

Rotting Christ Memorial Award For Excellence In Atheism – Mizmor – Cairn

No Shirt, No Vox, No Problem – Russian Circles – Blood Year

Canterbury Hails – Crypt Sermon – The Ruins of Fading Light

Dumbest Controversy – Drama – Nails vs. editorial integrity

Dumbest Controversy – Comedy – Nergal vs. antifa 

This Is Hardcore, Presented by Target – Knocked Loose – A Different Shade of Blue

Hi, I’m Scream-O, Welcome to Jackass – State Faults – Clairvoyant

Chinese Democracy For Neckbeards – Tool – Fear Inoculum 

Age of Oddz – Liturgy – H.A.Q.Q.

The Devil’s Workshop – Idle Hands – Mana 

Black Mass – Full of Hell – Weeping Choir

Best Set – King Diamond @ Kings Theatre


Cara Neir – Part III / Part IV

Remete – Into Endless Night

Krallice – Wolf

Glassing – Spotted Horse

Gygax – High Fantasy


10. Magic Circle – Departed Souls

9. Lord Mantis – Universal Death Church

8. Saor – Forgotten Paths

7. Obsequiae – The Palms of Sorrowed Kings

6. Crypt Sermon – The Ruins of Fading Light

5. Ossuarium – Living Tomb

4. Liturgy – H.A.Q.Q.

3. Baroness – Gold & Grey

2. Blood Incantation – Hidden History of the Human Race

1. Falls of Rauros – Patterns in Mythology

For years, Falls of Rauros have mined the works of Winslow Homer for inspiration. T-shirts, album covers, design language—the things that tell listeners all about a band before they ever hear a second of music. And for years that connection has been largely ornamental, a tip o’ the cap to their fellow Mainer, but little more. With their fifth full-length Patterns in Mythology, however, Falls of Rauros have made good on that promise, finally capturing in some vague metallic form, the wet, rocky, barren grandeur of coastal Maine.

Adorned in “Sunlight on the Coast,” an 1890s work by Homer himself, Patterns in Mythology is to Falls of Rauros what 2017’s Heartless was to Pallbearer: A soaring, shackles-snapping transcendence of categorization and genre. Once the “proggy black metallers from Maine,” Falls of Rauros have become a rock band in the purest sense, weaving elements of screamo, Cascadian black metal, and orchestral, Pink Floyd pomp into an emotive, singular entity that can’t be mistaken for or attributed to anyone other than Fall of Rauros. And what higher compliment can you give a band than to deem them finally, completely themselves?

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